Saturday, March 25, 2017

Am I Crazy? Or Is The Toddler Possessed?

Like many, The Wife and I sleep with a fan running in our bedroom.  I've slept with a fan on for as long as I can remember.  We just like white noise when we sleep.  We also run a fan in The Toddler's bedroom because it adjoins our living room and because we were so paranoid about her sleep when she was little that we did every possible thing in our power to convert the nursery into a womb short of spraying it down with warm goo.  And we would've done that if the floor had a drain.  Anything to make a baby sleep, amirite?

The Toddler sleeps really, really well now.  Me?  Not so much.  I wake feeling rested, but gone are the days of my head hitting the pillow and waking eight hours later feeling as if I didn't move an inch the whole night.  I toss and turn.  My back gets tight.  My temperature is all over the place.

And I hear things.

Because The Toddler sleeps well, and because her bedroom adjoins our bedroom, we turn the sound on the monitor off at night.  In the rare instances she's really upset, she has no problem waking us up.  Last night I woke two or three times sure I'd heard The Toddler making noise.  When I checked the monitor though, she was sound asleep.  After one of these instances, as I lay there trying to go back to sleep, I noticed the sound of the fan, kind of, maybe, in my mind, sounded like some of the sounds The Toddler makes...  I've talked to friends who've experienced this exact thing, so I know I'm not alone.  It makes you feel crazy.  Or illustrates that you are crazy.

So when I woke up, I had an idea that this should be a movie.  First-time parents are struggling with all the things first-time parents struggle with after bringing baby home: sleep deprivation, low self-esteem, sleep deprivation, loneliness, sleep deprivation, sleep deprivation, etc.  All parents understand the mental fragility during this phase of parenthood.  During this phase, the parents start to hear things through the baby monitor.  Or do they?  Was it just the fan?  Or did the baby make a noise and go right back to sleep?  Are the parents crazy?  Is the baby possessed?  Is the house haunted?

Possible Plot Elements:

  • Mom and Dad are cautiously optimistic as they sit down to eat after putting baby down.  They think they hear a noise and check the monitor.  Baby is totally motionless, staring at the camera with her beady black shark eyes.  (This happens ALL THE TIME in real life)
  • It's 9 o'clock.  Baby has been waking a lot between 9 and midnight.  Parents are exhausted and feeling that terror that only parents feel wondering how bad the night is going to be.  They hear something, but baby seems asleep.  Is she still asleep?  Then what was that noise?  IS SHE STILL ASLEEP?  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PLEASE LET HER STILL BE ASLEEP.
  • They keep hearing the baby monitor, even though the sound is off.  Dad starts compulsively changing the speed of the fan in the bedroom, convinced he can find the right frequency to quiet his mushy brain.
  • They hear a noise and check the monitor.  Baby seems sound asleep, but the rock-n-play is rocking.

The title of the movie would be The Monitor.  It could be a comedy, though if it was done honestly, there wouldn't be a goddamn thing funny about it.  It could be a psychological thriller, but again, if it was done honestly and was successful could singlehandedly torpedo the birthrate of any city showing it.  It could definitely be a horror movie, because babies alone are fucking terrifying, let alone when they're possessed.  So, do any of you know how to get in touch with Damon and Affleck?  I need to get a screenplay written.

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